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Oh Yessss It’s Sexxx

Everyone loves sex. We love to talk about it, think about it and of course do it. For many of us, our lives revolve around it. The actions of most humans are ordered by sex; much of what we do has roots in the creation of a perception in the preferred sex.

Everyone has something that floats their boat. Some of those things are kinky enough that we don’t like to discuss it with others; only those we are most intimate with and even then after much prodding and much trust. Some are along the more romantic side; candles and rose petals and bubble baths for two. I had a friend once for whom just getting into a hot tub would rev her engines.

There are many misconceptions about sex, and many mythologies that have been perpetuated by years of accepting that things are the way they are. Some of those things lead to a gulf between the sexes that, frankly, I don’t think needs to be there.

I will admit that while I have male friends with whom I can talk sports and what have you, I have always tended to feel more comfortable with women friends and I tend to have more of them than male. I don’t know if it’s because I’m “sensitive” or if I just prefer the company of women over men, but that has been a pattern in my life for a very long time. Consequently I’ve gotten to see a side of women that few men get to see or are in fact willing to look for. That has given me some perspective which I am, as always, pleased to share with either sex.

I think it’s safe to say that the myth that women don’t enjoy sex and regard it as a disagreeable function of a male-female relationship is pretty much a dead issue. While there are still some that believe it (as there are, I’m sure, some women who regard sex this way), most of the women I’ve ever known enjoy sex very much indeed and are very adventuresome and willing to experiment in that regard. Once a woman feels comfortable with you, she will discuss the subject very frankly and sometimes, in crude terms that men might find uncomfortable. The discussion can be somewhat clinical in terms of which positions work and which are painful. We won’t get into those kinds of particulars here.

The problem is that while women enjoy sex, we tend to demonize those who exercise that enjoyment. Have you ever noticed that there are many derogatory terms in the English language for women who sleep around (i.e. slut, whore, hussy, tramp and many others I can’t repeat here) and there are none for men who do the same? I’ve heard the term “man-whore” used from time to time and sometimes I’ve heard men who jump from bed to bed described as “dogs” but there really isn’t a term that encapsulates it in English. Part of the reason is that it was more acceptable for men to be sexually active before marriage (and after in many cultures, as mistresses were accepted and almost expected in some cultures) than for women to be. Women were expected to come into the marital bed inexperienced and virginal. That, of course is no longer a realistic expectation, and few men actually look for that in a potential bride.

And guys, for the record, women DO masturbate and sometimes more often than men do. Now, as a former 16-year-old guy, I know that men….well, boys at that stage….can whomp their weasels a whooooole lot at that age and while no man can maintain that pace, we continue to enjoy a little self-servicing from time to time as we get older. However, if you doubt that women don’t mind a little solo pleasuring from time to time, just look at the number of sales in the adult toy industry and you might change your mind.

Many of the women I’ve been with romantically have been surprisingly open-minded when it comes to experimentation with sex. I say “surprisingly” because I was bred to think women were not. That simply isn’t the case. I’ve since talked to many other women about their sexual preferences and found that not only are the women I’ve spoken with willing to try out new things, they actually prefer the variety. I’ve heard several men complain that women as a gender aren’t into keeping the sexual relationship active and lively; all I can think of is that either they aren’t asking their partners to try new things, or else they’re asking them to try things that are painful and degrading – and some women I’ve met are even willing to do that for their men.

One of the big differences between how men and women approach sex is that women place greater emphasis on “pleasing their men” (or women; the lesbians I know have the same tendency) than men do. Men tend to place greater emphasis on their own orgasm and are more often than not, unwilling or unable to take the time and effort to make the experience of sexual intimacy as fulfilling for their female partners as it is for themselves. One of my married female friends described her husband as “one cum and done,” before rolling to sleep leaving her to take care of her own needs herself. The male perspective is that they are putting the greater effort and expending greater energy in the sex act; the process of a male orgasm is more tiring than that of a female orgasm. Of course, that’s baloney.

Mostly it’s just a matter of education. I have discovered that if you’re willing to put in the time, effort and energy to please a woman sexually, the rewards are pretty dang marvelous. Women who are sexually satisfied in their relationships are more likely to overlook other issues in the relationship, and might hang in longer to a rocky relationship than they might otherwise. Women who feel the effort of their mates to please them are also more likely to put in a greater effort to please their mates and might be more amenable to doing things they might not ordinarily allow. It’s a give and take kind of thing.

Of course, there are some misconceptions women have about male sexuality as well. One of the biggest ones is that once men are pleased sexually, they lose investment in the relationship. I’ve noticed that the reality is just the opposite. While I’m not saying that women take break-ups without pain or care, men tend to have a much more difficult time letting go of a failed relationship. Men tend to hang on to the illusion that they can “fix” things if only given the chance long after their former partner has moved on. I’ve seen men utterly devastated by a failed relationship; men are more likely to commit suicide over a failed relationship than a woman is.

There is also a misconception that men are pigs when it comes to sex; that we are obsessed with it to the exclusion of other factors in a relationship. While I will admit that we tend to place more emphasis on sex (without which the multi-billion dollar online porn industry would not exist), I think most women would be surprised at what other things men place emphasis on. Yes, we are fascinated by your breasts and will stare at them when we think you’re not looking (and your butt and your legs as well) but that’s more a matter of fantasy than of intent. The way I kind of look at it is that if I were in an art museum and you showed me a beautiful painting of a landscape, I would stare at it too. Breasts are beautiful things, ladies.

But I digress. Men also need validation and support from our women. I’ve been in a relationship where the sex was wonderful but the nagging wasn’t. It is often said that men have Texas-sized egos but the truth of the matter is that deep down, we are frightened little boys who need to be reassured that yes we are manly, masculine men and that we’re not only all right, we’re pretty damn good. A woman who knows how to accept her man and validate his ego is a woman who knows how to keep her man.

And yes, being a willing bedroom participant doesn’t hurt either. The simple fact of the matter is that sex is pleasurable; it is one of the most wonderful things there is in a life that is pretty crappy otherwise. From time to time, I’ve heard religious sorts harrumph that sex is evil and is meant to be used only for the purpose of procreation. I counter that if God didn’t want humans to have sex, why did He make it feel good? It seems to me a loving father would want his children to be happy and there’s no doubt that sex can bring happiness, at least temporarily.

Of course, sex shouldn’t be mistaken for love, although it often is, and love brings a far more lasting happiness than sex. Still, part of the love equation is sexual fulfillment on both sides of the coin and if men and women understand their partners a little bit better, it can only make the relationship smoother. So, if you take away something from all of this, take away this; don’t be judgmental about what floats your partner’s boat. Be willing to communicate to them what turns you on, even if you’re embarrassed by it. Who knows, you might be surprised to find out they’re into the same thing and were embarrassed to say something to you about it. In any case, be open, be accepting and try new things. Variety, after all, is the spice of life – and sex is the chili pepper of that spice. So what are you waiting for? Go get busy!


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